I feel like I've had a writers block for months. And not even writers block, because I still write... the words are always there waiting for my connection. I just stop myself from putting them out. At first it was barely noticed. I wear so many hats in this life that it is easy to bury myself in another role. Distractions, aversions, and downright denial can be my go to when conflict arises, or something isn't sitting right. I know it calls as shadow work, I know it is waiting and hindering me in ways I see, and ways I won't. But I also know when to give myself, and the situation grace and space to breathe. Sometimes. SOMETIMES, it just isn't time.
For example, have you noticed when you are in the midst of a stressful scenario your emotions take over. Your perception of what is happening is clouded by how it feels to you in that moment. You can't always see where the other people are coming from, because you are caught up in how it is directly affecting you. You are reactive in the moment, and you can't always zoom out to see the big picture. Yet once you give yourself some space to sort and sift and figure out why you reacted the way you did, if you were validated, if you were right, wrong, etc... you switch into a receptive mode that allows you to call in the energy to now be able to see the scenario not only from your view, but others as well. You zoom out to take everything into account. From this space you can settle into your intuition, your higher knowing and see where the lessons and hidden gifts are and what you can take forward with you to grow.
I like to think that over the years I have become very aware and connected with my higher self. I am able to emotionally detach myself from most situations in the moment while I sort the logical, emotional, energetic, and physical outcomes. For everyone involved. I have always been empathic, even before I knew what it meant. I have always prided myself even as a child on being able to "put myself in someone else's shoes". This has both been a blessing and a curse. I have been on this earth for just over 3 decades, and I am just NOW learning boundaries, to stand up for myself, and that it is not my job or responsibility to save everyone. I will always hold space for the collective to become the best, most authentic versions of themselves, but I will not sacrifice my peace or energy trying to understand other's motives. And yet I feel like I'm here stuck in a repeating cycle. I adapt, heal, let it go, and then it comes back around. I know lessons come in cycles - but I deserve my peace. So I set boundaries, I sift and sort and pray and leave space... and still each time I write, every time I put out my work, my words, my heart - I hesitate, I hold back. I hesitate even though I know writing, creating and being in my magic will bring me full circle. That is where my power lies. And as I find the courage to let it all out, to speak it aloud, to bleed words onto paper and trust the Universe to sort it - I take my power back. Hurting other people is not in my nature. So trying to understand why other people would choose to be malicious or hurtful is a conundrum. I can understand when you don't know better, but when you do know - you know. When you find joy in wronging others, that is a whole other level I won't even begin to try and comprehend. I am finding the balance between honouring myself and my truth, and keeping the energy clear. By burying my feelings, my truth and story I have broken a vow within myself. As time goes on I pay for it more and more as my voice continues to fall silent and I run farther from who I know myself to be. I've been silent for so long, because I never wanted to write this. That changes today. I hope when you see this - you take it for what it is, and let your own life be true & beautiful.
"Write hard and clear about what hurts." - Ernest Hemingway
I knew it was only a matter of time before the suppressed emotions bubbled over and demanded to be heard and felt. After all, I am a writer. I am a poet. Words are my escape, writing is how I sort and tame the electricity running rampant inside. It's how I invite others in to the depths of love, and grace I hold inside. It's what I do. It's who I am. And it's silly to assume that this wouldn't have to happen at some point. I never wanted to write this - but here it is:
WE DO NOT HIDE OUR VOICES WHEN OTHERS THREATEN TO SHAKE US FROM OUR THRONE. WE DO NOT HIDE OURSELVES FOR FEAR OF BEING POACHED. Because - and I'm ever grateful for the lesson; No one is you
No one can be you They can try, sure
But true authenticity cannot be faked
Real love cannot be bought Your energy can't be duplicated
And no one can take what is yours
They haven't done the same work They haven't implemented levels of love They haven't seen what you've seen There is no comprehension of the bigger picture
There is no depth for real connection and feeling There is no recognition of the time, sacrifices, failures, lessons
and come backs it has taken to arrive
Let it be known,
There is no honour when you take from others And be assured,
No one can take what you've built from under you But certainly they can build their own... And that would be beautiful. And that would be lovely. And so it is.